(I wrote this when Hannah was 2.5 months old and am just now publishing it) I am posting it thinking of many of my friends who are due right now, some of them, their due date has come and gone, and they are still pregnant…… some had their babies already, and some are still waiting for their day to come. This is for all of them.
It was 10 days past my EDD. I was going crazy being this late. I am the first to tell you, “babies come when they are ready, trust the process, trust your baby………..” to OTHER people. But I was very surprised she had not been born. I stayed healthy, exercised regularly through 34 weeks, taken walks, hikes, gone to Six Flags with all the kids at almost 38 weeks, and swam in the weeks after that. I even went to the gym and did the stair climbing machine. My last spin class was at 37 weeks. But there I was still pregnant at 41 weeks 3 days. Home birth is really not advised past 42 weeks. And being a VBAC I don’t have an option for induction even if I wanted one. I wanted to let her come when she was ready, but I was getting anxious, and also worried about her size, since my last child was 10’4.
So with my midwife and doulas, we decided on day 10 to take black and blue cohosh. That did not work. I was actually opened to 4-5cm, but with very few contractions. After a Membrane strip and my midwife doing cervical pressure points on my cervix, I was opened to 5-6cm, and we hoped it would stay that way, but I was still having very few contractions. On day 11, I took Castor Oil, it did make me poop a bunch, and cause some contractions for a while, but by evening, they faded away. Sadly, I had a great nights sleep. The next day I woke up pissed off, my mom was already here, and I was feeling desperate, but hopeless. I was tired of having to let all the people waiting for my, “baby is born” post on Facebook, that she was not born yet. I was worried that all I had done, all my talk about about trusting my baby and my body was falling short. I guess I was feeling performance anxiety. So I told Facebook I was going dark until she was born. That was Wednesday morning.
My doula and midwife recommended acupuncture and homeopathy. Also to visit the chiropractor I had been seeing over the last month. I woke up and my mom drove me to the chiropractor, he said the vertebrae that was connected to the uterus was off kilter, and he adjusted me. I had a pretty big contraction after I left there. Next I went to see Claudette at her office in Petaluma, where she did another, deeper Membrane sweep, and more pressure points on the cervix. My cervix had closed to 4-5cm, but that was almost expected and she was not worried. Then, I went to acupuncture, it was my first time ever doing that. I do NOT like needles. It wasn’t fun, but I did it. The practitioner who was an old Chinese woman, (the real deal) advised me that I was not eating enough, but also never to eat cold food again. Well, in true Willow Style, I listened to the advice I wanted to hear, and decided I DID need to eat more, and ice cream was a suitable food to start with. We were planning on meeting me sister who was on her way back home, (Sacramento) from a conference in Santa Rosa. We met at an ice cream shop in downtown Petaluma. I had an old fashioned banana split. Three scoops of Ice cream, with the traditional banana split toppings. I was going to share it with my sister, but she ordered her own thing, so I hate most of it with no problem. We headed home, it was about 4pm. On the way home, I had a few big contractions. When I got home, I got the trusty breast pump out and started to do 10 minuets on both breasts at a time. Problem was, every time I came off the pump, even if it was after just a few minuet, I would have a HUGE contraction. So big, that I could not continue pumping. And even though they were ONLY coming with breast pump, I could NOT get comfortable in-between the contractions. I was starting to worry that I was overstimulating my uterus, since it felt like the contractions never went away, even though were 15 minuets to a half hour apart. So I stopped pumping, called Connie my doula, and told her I was worried that my uterus was being overstimulated, it had been an hour since I had stopped pumping, and I was still really uncomfortable, and only contracting every 45 minuets or so, but was soooooo uncomfortable even in between. She recommended I call Claudette, which I did. Claudette assured me I could not be over stimulating my uterus if it had been an hour or two since I had stopped pumping.
So I went to bed. I wish I could remember what I did that night. Did I say goodnight and pray for the boys and for Hannah like I usually did? I don’t think so, I think Jason did it, but I can’t remember. By 11pm I went to bed, Jason was already asleep. I think I got about 20 minuets of sleep, before another contraction started. I had to get out of bed for it, because as infrequent as they were, they were very strong. Afterwards, I had to walk around for a while before I get into bed. It seemed within minuets of falling asleep, I was awoken with another contraction. They were about 45 minuets apart….. soon they were 1/2 hour apart, then 20 minuets, then 15. Around 1am they were consistently 15 minuets apart, and I was not able to sleep at all between them, I just could not get comfortable. Being a doula myself, and having had two doulas at my last two births, I was very much wanting that kind of support. I just prayed for the time that they would get close enough to be able to call someone in. At about 2am, I decided I needed to get in the bath, even though my contractions were still far apart, I needed the relief of the warm water to try to relax. It worked, it was wonderful. As I was running the water, Jason woke up. I told him I needed him, and he came right to the rescue. Pressing on my back, and giving me the kind of awesome support I needed and wanted. After I got in the water, I guess the relaxing in the water really did the trick, and my contractions immediately went to 4 minuets apart. (it’s also possible my water broke at that time, in the water. However, I did not notice it. We don’t really know when it really broke, but it was undetected. After about 10 contractions like that, Jason and I decided it was time to call my doula. It was about 3am when I called. I asked Connie if I should call my midwife, and she said to wait for 10 more like that and then to call. So I did, they then went to 3 minuets apart, lasting 45 seconds to a minuet. So I called Claudette, then I called Dana, my second doula who was also my friend and Pastors wife. I called, woke her up, I couldn’t talk, she said, “You need me now”, I whispered yes. That was it. She was on her way. Connie and Dana came at almost the same exact time, around 3:30am.
I remember the moment they got there. Jason had seen them pull up, and told me they were here. I was in the middle of a contraction when they came in, still in the tub. I imagined I was in the doula role. Walking in, watching rather then going through it. So often I walk in, mom contracting, I come close and quiet, and wait to make contact. That is exactly what they did, and I knew at that time, I was really going to have my baby soon. I finished my contraction, and shared a smile and a giggle with them. Here we were, the day, the moment we had been waiting for, not only for months, but it seems perhaps my whole life.
My midwife arrived around 4am. What an awesome thing to have everyone come to me, and not having to think about going anywhere. I was not afraid anymore of Hannah being in danger, I just wanted her out. I wanted to progress and be done, even though, in comparison to my other labors I had not been doing it very long. Everything was a blur by this time. I got out of my bathtub, and Jason started filling the birth pool. As my midwife and I had previously discussed, I would not be able to get into the tub until I was far enough along to prevent stalling or baby going posterior. I was having a lot of back pain, but also a lot in the front, so we did not think she was posterior. I was checked around 5:30am and I was said to be 7cm, not a huge change from the not in labor check being a stretchy 4-5cm. But I was 100% effaced, so that was good, and an improvement from the check the day before. I labored for a while out of the water, the feeling in front down low was very intense. I asked my doula to grab a rebozzo to support and do a belly lift, it helped, but then she grabbed a rolling pin, filled it with hot water and placed it under my belly. That was heavenly. To help with the back pain, my doulas got a piece of a pool noodle, and I leaned up against the wall, and rolled my back on it as I had a contraction. Somewhere about that time, my friend, fellow doula, and birth photographer Seana arrived. She stayed quite in the background taking photos, and only stepped in when needed, but I knew she was there, and that helped. The labor was intense, and strong, but it was happening. I was in transition. I started doing all of the typical things that woman do when they are in transition. Getting mad, feeling defeated, and crying and getting emotional. I had emotions of defeat, and emotions of joy. Tears of defeat, and tears of joy, back and forth, in the true ‘woman in transition’ fashion. <strike></strike> It was happening, I was having my baby. Everyone was there, supporting me, loving me, and my baby girl would be there soon. I had asked my doulas to help guide me through contractions by using the things I had been teaching my classes, breathing my baby down and out, breathing in the shape of a J. I remember thinking and saying, “It works, it really works”. When I concentrated on breathing my breath down and out in the shape of a J, I was able to relax and manage the contractions better. It was so cool to know that what I taught actually worked. Early in the labor, before people got there, I was singing through the contractions. That worked great too, it did not allow me to hold my body tight, and not to panic. I stopped being able to sing through them though, by the time everyone got there. It was working earlier, but no longer worked. The feelings were too intense. Around 7am I got in the birth pool. It was awesome. The heaviness I was feeling in the front was literally gone in the water, and people were around me, pressing on my back, my two doulas, and my wonderful husband. I couldn’t handle hard counter pressure as I had enjoyed in previous labors, but just having someones warm hands on me made a difference. I was having a hard time relaxing, even in between. Connie did this thing where she took her finger and pressed it hard into the middle of my forehead, and I immediately relaxed. It seemed like a magic trick at the time, and I remember wondering why I had never learned about this before, or used it with my clients. By 7 the boys were up, and I was told they were excited, and could not hear a thing. Which was good. I was moaning quite a bit, and probably started saying bad words as I was feeling discouraged that I was not pushing yet. Jason also woke my mom up who had been sleeping in the next room, surprisingly she did not hear a thing. She was a huge help with everything and I’m so glad she was already there. Around 8:15, Ben got on the bus to go to school, my dad arrived shortly before that. Around 8:30 uncle Josh came and picked up Elijah and Micah. Right before Ben left for school, I was checked again. I was 9cm dialated, with only a lip on one side to go. Hannah was still high up though, and had to come down. I was discouraged that I was not having the urge to push, and that’s when all of the fear and anxiety about Elijah’s birth came back. I was sure something was wrong, and I kept asking about it. I just KNEW it would be another 8 hours of being stuck at 9cm. I also wondered if after the boys left if I would just finish dialating and be able to push. With every contraction, (they were coming about every 2-3 minuets, and had been since 5am), I got mad that I wasn’t pushing yet. I started to get a really bad attitude, the F word was flying through the air every other contraction. I remember my mom coming in at one point, and I said to her, unless you want to see me freak out, you better leave. I knew it was hard for her to see me in such distress.
My midwife told me to lunge on one side. To get rid of the lip. To put my leg up during the contraction. It was hard, but I did it. We were in the bathroom, by the tub. I would put my leg up on a stool, and fine a focal point on the wall, and furrow my brown, and breath hard and heavy through every contraction. I started to pull on the intensity I had learned in spin class, or in working out. I would get mad at it, my face looked mad, and I felt it. Focused, intense, and mad. I knew I was using what I had learned working out so hard over those last few years. Jason even said something about it. He said, “I can tell you are so much stronger, and your endurance is there because of how fit you are.” I didn’t feel fit, but still, it was good to hear him say it. I believed him, that I was strong, and I could and was doing this. My contractions were getting weaker, my body was getting tired. At acupuncture the day before I had been given pressure points in the form of taped on beads on to my ears to increase contractions. My doulas pressed on them and the contractions got stronger. I hated it. I even pushed them off of me during one contraction. Stating……. “NO!!” I’m F’ing over this!” over and over. You must know, I pretty much never say the F word. Except during birth…… so it’s always a little comical and embarrassing to me. Claudette gave me a shot of B12, to increase contractions more. It worked as it usually does. Why they don’t do this in the hospital is beyond me. A safe natural way to increase the intensity of contractions without the need for an IV or pitocin. I wanted to get back in the water, and I did. I stood for my contractions, making a water mark with my hand on the wall, and using that as a focal point. I would sit back down in the water between contractions. After a while, I was checked again. Still had a lip. I was pissed. Really pissed. What the heck was wrong? Was this normal? I kept asking. I was assured no one was worried, so I shouldn’t be either. Just take it contraction by contraction. So that’s what I did. Looking back, it’s hard to believe it was as long as it was. I had asked my darling Dana to be there as a doula, and spiritual mentor during labor. I had been with her during her two births, and she is a Rock that I knew I would need. She grabbed me at one point, got serious with me, and she prayed. I don’t remember what she said, but it worked. Her faith in birth, her faith in God gave me the strength to carry on. At another time, when my faith was failing with me, my midwife Claudette read to me Psalm 34 that I had printed and placed on my mirror. I remember saying in a bold voice, “Read it again!” and so she and Dana did just that. With the fury and faith that I did not have, but I needed for them to have. Connie suggested a change of scenery. We had been in my room and bathroom the whole time. Now that the boys were gone, she suggested we leave the room, and walk the stairs. We did that. We made it down 1/3 of the stairwell, to the landing, and I turned around and went back up. That was enough. I had a few very strong contractions at the top of the stairs, leaning against the wall for support.
At some point, still not feeling the urge to push, I asked, “Can I just try and push past the lip?” my doula agreed it was a good idea, and Claudette said we could go for it. We decided to try pushing on the birth stool, to see if I could move Hannah down to the point where I could feel the urge to push. They set it up, at the side of the bed. I sat, and I pushed. It worked! I was moving her down and the cervical lip was diminishing. But I got tired really fast there, and although I had moved her down, the lip was still present. Claudette suggested I lay on the bed, on my side for a few contractions, without pushing. Although I didn’t really have a strong urge to push, pushing still felt way better then just managing the contractions. Going through a contraction on my side was excruciating. But at one point, I really felt her move down. That was good news. Claudette worked on the cervix, and finally, I was said to be 10cm. Although I still didn’t feel a strong urge, it was pushing time. Claudette and the assistant Maryanne brought out this new thing they had been using. It was a rubber thing shaped with a triangle on one side, and a circle on the other. I held onto the triangle, and Dana held the circle. We both started standing, and when a contraction hit, I would sqat, lean back, and push with all my might, just like I had to poop. Right down there. And yes, I did poop a little. You think pooping on the delivery table is bad, try pooping while squatting with everyone around you. I was aware of it, and yeah, it bothered me a little. But that was not going to stop me, I wanted this over with. Soon Dana tired, and Jason took over. Jason was so amazing during my birth. I didn’t expect much from him, I wanted him to feel free to take care of the boys, and that I would have my girls there with me. But he went above and beyond, giving suggestions, and really being a part of the process. I got tired. I wanted to try laying on my side to push so I could really get a rest in-between. Well that was awful. I just could not do labor laying down, even pushing. So I did a few contractions like that, and said, no way. I got back up. We pulled out the birth stool again. Hannah was moving down and birth was near. Funny thing is, I still didn’t feel a strong urge to push. I didn’t feel much of a ring of fire, but I could reach down and feel her there. That’s when the pushing got really serious. I was a stong pusher. I knew I was moving her, and I knew I was strong. It was a powerful feeling. I knew it was her, it was really happening. I could hold on to the birth stool, which caused me to be in the squat position, and pull my body back and gyrate my pelvis up and push with all my might. Claudette was below me, Connie was to my left, and Dana was in front of me filming. My mom and dad were there too, because birth was close, and this was an encouraging thing. The assistant midwife was close checking heart tones between and during contractions. Hannah’s heart rate was perfect. She never showed any signs of distress, and everyone was remarking about how wonderful that was. Jason was behind me, waiting for for the first glimpse of his daughter. She started to crown. Connie, was so excited, I could hear it in her voice, and see it on her face. She kept asking me, do you want to see, she’s right there, I can see her! I declined, over and over. I knew I would see it on the video later, I couldn’t look just then. Finally, finally, her head was out, and before another contraction began, I asked, can i just push the rest of her out…… Claudette said, “Sure, why not”, so that’s what I did. I pushed even without a contraction, and the rest of her came slipping out, no problems, she didn’t need any help like Micah did, she just slipped right out. She was pink right away and let out a cry. Writing out the pushing phase feels like hours, but really it was only about 25 minuets. Longer than Micah, but certainly not long as pushing phases go. All of my fears and anxieties were for not. Claudette grabbed her and put her on my chest. And I kissed her, all over her face. This was the moment I had been dreaming of for months and months, and honestly for years. My precious baby girl, the one I always knew was there, in the future, but in some other way, never thought I would meet. Everyone was so happy and smiles and joy filled the room. I moved to the bed holding on to my darling daughter. They would help me to deliver the placenta on the bed. Jason kissed me, he kissed his daughter. My mom and dad were overjoyed.
The placenta had a hard time coming out, it wanted to stay in, but my amazing team did what they needed to do, and with prayer and deceleration of my health and the health of the whole placenta, it came out. Dana broke out into worship shortly after, and then Claudette and I joined her. It was a beautiful moment. I sang the song I had been singing to Hannah while she was inside of me……. “I love you Lord, I lift my voice to worship…… you……..” It was precious, beautiful, and spirit filled. There were tears of Joy, and of beauty and faith. I was high on adrenaline and although there had been some stress about my placenta coming out, I didn’t feel one bit of it. I had my baby girl, God was clearly evident and powerful in the room, my family, and my ladies of birth were with me…. I was complete. Hannah latched on right away, she was an amazing latcher, and still is to this day. She is just over 2.5 months old, an absolute Joy and treasure. Smiled from birth, nursed great from birth, and has even slept great from birth. It was an intense birth, even more intense in some ways then Micah’s, but it was wonderful, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
The moment we meet, on the outside Hannah Joy, 3 minuets old.
