It was Dec. 31st, of 2009. I had just turned 34 years old. I was working at Mary’s. I was about 205 lbs, and between a size 16-18. This was a pretty typical weight for me. I had been down to 190 doing the south beach diet before right before Micah, even around 180 something after Elijah with Weight Watchers, but I always went back up to around 200. It was my body’s happy place. But I was not happy with it, I never had been. People might have been surprised to hear I struggled with insecurity and self loathing because of my weight. I have always come off very confident and happy with myself. And luckily, that has always been mostly true…….. until I looked in a full length mirror.
With three small children at home, new years was not a party night as it was for some, just another night at the shack. People ask me, what was it that changed for you? What was that big ah ha moment? I think it was several things really, but I’m not sure that is relative to you, the reader. It has to be your OWN ah ha moment. My “Why” won’t be your “Why”. I remember exactly where I was in the restaurant though; it was that big of a thing. The thought went through my mind, tomorrow, I’m changing. I’m going to do south beach diet, (again), because I know it works for me, and regardless of all the other times I said I would start and I didn’t, I KNEW this decision was different. I usually did best following a plan, a book, or weight watchers or something like that.
And so, that’s what I did. The next day, I woke up, and I did not touch carbs, bread, sugar or sweets for about 3 weeks. That’s what I needed to do, to have the confidence, rid the sugar cravings and achieve a weight loss booster that I needed to get started. Today I would have called it a Detox. At that point, I knew something had changed in me. I felt powerful, I felt like really COULD NEVER eat sugar again, and be totally fine. I remember walking into church one morning and someone offering me a donut. I said, “No, I don’t eat Sugar remember?” they said, “Still, how long are you going to do that for?” My response………… Forever if I can. J
After about 3 weeks, Jason told me about this app for the iphone/ipod touch called Tap N track, that he heard from his favorite talk show DJ’s was helping people lose weight by tracking your calories in vs. your calories out. I downloaded it. Why not check it out……… it was 3.99 I think. By tracking, I came to realize, that the whole idea behind south beach, was that meat, and veggies and staying away from processed carbs was really just eating low cal. For example, ONE cup of pasta was 300 calories. I stopped eating pasta. Who eats only one cup anyway? So I switched my eating plan……. To just tracking my calorie intake and energy expenditure, (exercise) On Febuary 1st, I had lost 10 lbs. Wooo Hoo. For my birthday the previous year, I asked for money to pay for a $2year membership at 24 hour fitness that they sold at Costco. At the time, it was $200, that equaled only $12 a month. So on Febuary 2nd, with the money I got for my birthday and some I had saved up from tips, I got the membership. I remember a big moment for me, was that a friend of Jasons that we had not seen in a while came to visit. Jason bragged about me and how I had been exercising and losing weight. I think I had only lost like 15 lbs by that point. But I remember saying to this friend, “Watch, next time you see me I will look different. I might not look that different on the outside right now, but I AM different.” It was a confidence in myself that I had never had before.
Now, it’s important to know a few things. I was 34 years old. I had always been chubby…… since high school, 200 pounds was normal for me. This was NOT my first attempt at weight loss, or exercise. I went on my first diet when I was 12 years old. This would be the third time I would be a 24 hour member, and I had been a YMCA member when Elijah was little as well. Exercising was something I felt like I was good at, and enjoyed, but it just never worked for me. And I honestly have lost track how many times I started Weight Watchers. At one point when I was an older teenager, I cried so hard to my mom about being fat, she paid for me to go to a personal trainer who had a gym out of her garage. I lied and said I went when I didn’t, canceled appointments and just didn’t do it. Looking back, that kills me. What a great opportunity I had, and I wasted it……. AND my moms hard earned money. I had even recently decided that since I was always a big girl, that I would just never be healthy or thin, and that I should just accept that about myself. The only people who were ever REALLY successful at weight loss and fitness were people who had been thin before kids or aging just made them gain weight. Enter, the show, “The biggest loser”. Watching that show, shut down every excuse I ever had for why I couldn’t exercise and be the fit person I had always known I could be. If they could do it, I could do it…….. Definitely. It was the year our local heros from Rohnert Park, Sam and Koli Palou were in the show.
My motto for this new change was, “If you try to do something, the exact same way, and expect different results, that’s insanity”. So how had I tried to do it before? Honestly, I never tried to change the way I ate, AND exercised at the same time. That was one different thing. I always felt like when I exercised I was more hungry, (true) and so exercising was counter productive to losing weight for me. I also felt like if I followed the recommended 3 times a week for 40 minuets of cardio rule, I would be good. That had not worked for me in the past, because even if I tried 3 times a week, it was usually two. What was different this time?
I woke up EVERYDAY and thought about how I could get my workout in. It was not the same time of the day, ever, but it WAS almost every day. In the beginning it was usually about 6 days a week…. Cardio and abs. I would not understand the benefits of body weight exercises and weight training till later.
I was blessed to have Jason home and in school during that time, so even though I had a little one at home, I was able to leave him with Jason during the day, or get my workouts in at night. I was very lucky to have the amazing support of my husband, who although never thought for one day I was anything but the most beautiful woman he knew, He saw how great I felt about myself, and continually encouraged me to find time to get my workouts in.
I bumped my cardio time up to 1 hour. I did 20 minuets on the stair stepping machine, 20 minuets on the elipticle, and 20 minuets on the bike…….. and did sit ups. I needed to break it up, or I would get bored easily.
I HAD to have exciting, invigorating FAST music in my earphones….. the faster the music, the faster I moved, the faster I moved, the more calories I burned.
I ALWAYS wore a heart rate monitor. I was there to sweat and burn calories, not to dilly daddle on the machines and make myself think I got a workout in.
I tracked EVERYTHING I ate. I was soooo attached to that ipod touch, I almost had a panic attatck the few times I lost it.
I ate a lot of the same things, so it would be easier to track. When I got to 4pm and realized I hardly had enough calories left to eat dinner……. It encouraged me to get to the gym and work out at night. Those workouts from 9pm to 11pm were the hardest to get to, and the most rewarding to complete.
In May, I started Spinning……. The more spin classes I could get in that week, the more weight I would lose that week.
In July, I bought a pair of really good running shoes, that finally made it so I could run and not be in pain. They had the right kind of support for my pronated feet. I started to jog, first 1 mile, then two, then 3, in a few months, I was regularly jogging 4-5 miles at a time.
I worked out no matter where I was, or what I was doing. I figured out how to get a workout in. In July, I went to a wedding in Oregon, and I was teased for my late night workouts in the hotel gym. But I was a changed person, and nothing was going to stop me.
I did not lose weight super fast. But it was happening, and I wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. Looking back, I would have lost weight faster if I incorporated weight training into my regimen, but I didn’t realize that then.
My goal was 148 lbs. And a size 8 seemed like a dream to me back then. I never really set that goal, but in my mind, that’s what it was, because at 148 lbs, on the BMI scale, I would no longer be considered Overweight. I started the journey, in the Obese category.
I think I reached my goal about March/April of 2011……. 15 months after I started 148 pounds, and size 8. And then I stayed there. I even went up a few pounds, then down again. It was as if my goal was enough for my body and I didn’t go any farther. Since then, I have been to personal training, and lost more weight, but then gained it back. I have changed the shape of my body with weight training and muscle definition, but haven’t lost any more weight. There are days I’m okay with that……. And days I know I can do more.
Most importantly, I am now the fit person that I always knew I could be. I can do 20 real push ups on my toes, and squat 100 times without hardly breaking a sweat. I have allowed sugar back into my diet, and have had a hard time saying goodbye to it again, but still, I am fit, and my body works with me. The hip pain I once dealt with on a daily basis is gone. Working out is my greatest stress relief, and “me time” activity, and eating healthy is something I enjoy doing when I give myself the gift of cooking for myself. It’s been hard focusing on my diet, since I have had to focus so much on Benjamin’s diet, but I give myself grace, knowing that if I chose, I could be and do anything I want to be.
My next goal is to help other people love working out, and show people they too can be successful, even if they once thought they would always be stuck in their old habits. I am a natural coach and encourager. My work as a doula and childbirth educator has shown me that my skills lie in encouraging people, and teaching. And so it seems a natural progression to me to get involved in personal training. I want to blend my love for the childbearing years and exercise, and become a fitness coach for the pre-natal and post partum periods. I am slowly but surely studying the science behind it all, and plan to be certified to train by the end of March 2012. I struggle with the fact that I am not, “perfect” in the eating department yet, and not “skinny”. I wonder if I or others will be able to take me seriously as a trainer. But I believe in fitness, I believe in being the best you can be, and living a healthy life is not all about being skinny or perfect. It’s about doing your best, and constantly striving for life long health and fitness. I hope you’ll come along with me on this journey, imperfections and all.