Well, it’s for sure now.  I’m the worst teacher alive.  Okay, okay, maybe not alive, but honestly, I don’t know how you people do it.  We gave it a try, a good try.  We learned, we moved, we survived……. but we are done.  There have been some good moments…… but mostly I yelled, the boys fought, and then I cried.  It has not been good.  And yeah, yeah, I’m giving up quick.  I didn’t go the whole year like I had said, but honestly, I don’t feel like I can stand even one more day.  And if your shaking your head at me, with the, “I knew she couldn’t do it” wag of disapproval.  Or maybe your thinking, “If she would only try harder” Here are my reasons, (For you and for me to write out and feel right about)

Why I did decided to homeschool:  I want the BEST for my kids.  THE BEST.  They deserve it, and that’s what I want for them.  So once we entered private school, private Christian school, I realized…… wow, now THIS is the best for them.  But as most know, we have to make real choices about whether or not that BEST is in your budget.  Once Hannah was born, we knew we had to do something else, and make THAT the best.

I have a few friends that homeschooled, friends I adore, respect, and who encouraged me in the option. I read studies and heard friends who said, the kids who were homeschooled were some of the only kids growing up that remained Christians…. all that’s important to me.  I saw stuff that goes on in the world, stuff in 5th grade, and it terrified me.  I am terrified of my kids getting into the wrong crowds, and making bad decisions.  Yep, it’s true, I’m a control freak.  I want to micromanage them until they can’t make one bad decision.  It’s not reality, but it’s what I want.  Plus…. I REALLY WANTED TO BE THAT MOM!!  You know, the Mom who puts her family at SUCH a high priority that she spends her days teaching them.  I wanted to spend more time with them, and have them around when Hannah was a newborn baby, because I knew they would love that. I wanted to be able to spend time with them, when Benjamin was NOT home, so I could spend some focused time with them, without worrying about where and what Ben was up to.  I wanted to not only KNOW what they were learning, but to be very involved with it.  Some of these great things were accomplished……. and I’m glad for the experience, but there are more compelling reasons it DOES NOT work……. and why we need to stop ASAP.

So why did I decide to give up on homeschool: Because I want THE BEST for my kids.  They deserve the best, and I want to get that for them.  Even though I thought it would be the BEST for them

First and foremost, I’m too chaotic.  I am not taking the time to LEARN the material first, to teach it to them.  Micah that is not an issue, but with Elijah it is.  Sure, I learned about it 25 years ago, but to learn in order to teach is a whole nother story.  Because of this, there is a lot of yelling and frustration, not only on my part of not being able to impart what I already know to Elijah, but he’s frustrated because he doesn’t get it.  Elijah is a honor roll student with top of the charts test scores. But what I am seeing, is a boy who doesn’t care about a test, unless he’s competing with someone for a grade. When he competes, he tries hard.  When he doesn’t, he doesn’t try hard, but still beats himself up when he doesn’t do well. That killed me.  When he would beat himself up, I felt like a failure, and tended to get so frustrated, I yelled. Yep, that’s right, me…… I yelled.  What do you know, I CAN’T do it all.  Everyone say’s, “Your amazing” for homeschooling, with a newborn. I’m not amazing, maybe desperate, but not amazing.

Here is where I got to with Elijah, he’s a smart kid. Too smart, and I wasn’t seeing that smart kid in homeschool.  No amount of time, and counsel and learning the ropes would take away the fact that he learns best with competition and companionship.  Maybe it’s because he’s been in regular school up to this point, he is learned, that that is what drives him.  He was doing great in school, and that’s not why I took him out.  He also does great socially.  He’s very sensitive, yes.  I was scared of my overly sensitive boy having to deal with the real world outside of the bubble I still wish I could keep him in. But part of his learning, is being social, and part of being social, is being sensitive to the world around him.  I loved school. I did.  Because of the social aspects of it, and also because I had some amazing teachers that taught me amazing things, in the classroom, and out.  I had many different teachers, who influenced me in a different way, and for that I am thankful.  I know sending him back to school, non Christian school, there will be teachers and kids that influence him in a way that I wish he wasn’t.  That is something we are going to need to work through, and around.  But trust me when I say, I will be involved.  I am not the parent who shy’s away from the difficult conversations, because it’s hard to talk to him about it.  I’m already driving him crazy saying he has to talk to me about what the songs he likes to listen to on the pop music stations are REALLY talking about.  If he wants to listen to it, he needs to talk to me about what it’s about.  Usually…….. SEX…… and DRUGS.  He HATES talking to me about that stuff, especially sex.  Of course he say’s, he already knows all about it.  My response: You know all about it as a 10 year old who listens to pop music and hears jokes by friends about it……. but I need to tell you what they are REALLY talking about. The kind of sex, and drinking, and dehumanizing that destroys a person and a family.  Okay, I digress, but really, I will not just sit back and let the culture engulf him.  We will take this ride together, and learn about the world……. together.

He is REALLY excited to go back to school.  Several times last year, if he had a problem with doing his homework, or an issue with a friend, he would ask to be homeschooled. Well, now he knows that homeschool is not about getting out of fights and school work, it’s about only having one person to fight with, (his brother), and only one main teacher to learn from, (me), who he and I agree is not the best at it.

Which leads me to another reason I’m done with homeschool.  Micah and Elijah, who previously were good friends, and loved eachother most of the time, do nothing but fight now.  They are together too much, and Micah doesn’t really understand that they are at very different stages in their lives.  6 and 10 is a HUGE difference.  My baby boy Micah, is nothing like a baby. He doesn’t play with toys, and all he ever wants to do, is exactly what Elijah is doing.  If Elijah is home, he doesn’t want to go on a walk, scooter ride, bike ride, or anything else with me…… if Elijah doesn’t want to.  He doesn’t want to color, or make projects, or play with playdough……. because Elijah doesn’t want to.  If Elijah doesn’t want to do it, it must be bad or stupid, or so his 6 year old mind tells him.  No son! Elijah doesn’t want to do it because he’s 10! He DID like that stuff when he was 6, but there is no convincing him.  Because Elijah has been in school a long time already, he has lots of friends, who like to do lot’s of 10 year old things.  Micah, he has friends, and is very likable, but seems to gravitate more towards Elijah’s friends.  When your in Kindergarten, you don’t really have the same kind of friends as you do in 4th grade.  He doesn’t have close friends he has over for playdates, and talks to on the phone.  Well, he does now, but they are all 10.  When Elijah would get invited over to a friends house, but Micah wasn’t, he would have a fit!! There are kids houses I’m fine with Elijah going over to, but not Micah.  And that is NEVER a good scene.  He doesn’t have the same sense of making good decisions, wise decisions, as Elijah does.  Paritally, because they are different kids, and he tends to look up to these older boys and wants to please them, so he does and says things he shouldn’t say, I think in order to look, “cool” and “mature”.  I’m sooooo done with that.  I want Micah to be 6.  To play six year old games, and to do 6 year old things.  I want him to bring home his art project and excitedly tell me about it, rather then bucking the whole idea all together because his sole play mate, and the person he looks up to more then anyone in the world isn’t so much into art projects.  Micah IS into art, he loves it, and is good at it…….. as long as he’s given the opportunity and Elijah is not around.

The moment I realized Micah had not done one Christmas art project home for me to oogle and oggle at, I knew he needed to be back in the classroom.  I wish I was like that, setting up adorable Santa’s with googily eyes, and photo ornaments to hang on the tree, but I’m not. That’s what 1st grade teachers are for.  And he is really lacking in that, whether he knows it or not.  I wish I was all things, I wish I was THAT kind of Mom. But I’m not.  As much as I enjoy this idea about me as the quintessential wonderful mother, I don’t really get it.   I’m good at one thing and one thing only when it comes to parenting…….. Love.  I love these kids like every moment I have with them is important and treasured.  I also think I am good spiritual shepherd for them, and that I will continue to be. But art teacher, reading teacher, math teacher, science teacher, history teacher, and experiment doer, (no way), I am not.

So back to school we go.  I’m actually thrilled, and so are they. We got one of the top 3 fifth grade teachers at the school by anyone’s standards, a friend in the class, and a child who’s bouncing and anxious to go back, even if it’s not his precious, wonderful Christian school he’s grown accustomed to. In our heart or hearts, we will still always think of a way to get back to Windsor Christian, because we had such a great experience there, but right now, financially, it’s just not phesable.  We also got the all time best 1st grade teacher for Micah at Maddie, and others at the school who are more then glad to see his return.  And well, I might have a little time to unpack, and maybe even exercise, maybe even enjoy my baby girl, and hey……… enjoy my kids again.   I have learned so much along the way.  I honor and applaud those who homeschool works for, I know it’s not easy for you either, and you have made it work.  You are AMAZING.  But for us, I’m smart enough to see, and see quickly, that it’s not a good fit.  I really don’t want to spend another few months plugging away at this when I know in the end, it’s not what is the right thing for my kids.  Elijah who has many friends at the school already from baseball, will have a good core group of kids to go into Middle school with next year. Will it all be perfect and just the way I in-vision it? No, most definitely not. Nothing and no one is perfect outside of Jesus Christ himself.  But we will do it together, a strong knit family who loves each other and loves God and God’s ways.  Trust me, if I could keep my family in a close knit bubble, and never let any harm possibly come near them, I would, but that’s not a reality, and one I have to deal with.  Thanks for reading, love you, all of you.