Saying goodbye to nursing….

(Disclaimer. This is a post about me being sad that Hannah stopped nursing at one year. I understand that may seem silly to some of you, and that a year is a great amount of time to nurse, especially for those of you who were not able to nurse at all, or not been able to have children, or had to stop sooner then hoped because of going back to work or another reason, however these are my feelings, and I needed to write them out. I also needed to share them so I could let go of some of the shame that I hold on to. Most people who know me, know my birth choices and profession will assume that I will nurse her for much longer, and so it makes me sad when I have to tell them she’s not nursing anymore. I apologize if this offends or hurts anyone, it’s my process)

I need to write this out. It’s not for you, it’s for me. I need to say goodbye, and be okay with it. Maybe I need to cry. Just maybe writing about it…. will allow me to cry, and let it go. To be honest, I never knew it would be this hard.

My little lovie is done nursing. I will never again nurse a child. There, I said it. And now I’m crying. It’s hard moving through these things in our life, that bring so much joy, comfort, peace, and know that the are over, forever. It wasn’t always like this. With the boys, nursing was hard. It did get easier each time, but it hurt, always, and I did it more as a labor of love rather then a beautiful, enjoyable bonding thing I had with them. But with Hannah it was easy. She latched in her first moments of life. I never bled, never cracked, her latch was perfect and she knew exactly what to do. Let me say again, it never hurt, not in the beginning, not in the end, it never hurt. So when the other boys, at around the same age told me there was other things they would rather be doing then nursing by turning away or running away, I easily said goodbye. Knowing even with Micah, that there would probably be another child…… probably.

From the very beginning Hannah would only nurse for nourishment. The ultimate easy baby. Hungry, she would nurse, and pop off and go to sleep on her own. She never really nursed for comfort, because she was always happy. She never nursed to sleep really, except for a short while. She would nurse until full, pull off and then fall asleep, either just laying there or sucking her thumb. When she would wake at night, I would just lye on my side and nurse her, and I would usually fall back asleep before she did. She was the first out of the four that I was able to co-sleep with. She never moved much, just layed there peacefully, only waking every 3 or 4 hours in her early days. I was planning on sleeping with her and nursing her for A LOT longer then my boys. It worked, I wasn’t overtired, she slept great, and everything was just perfectly in tune.

Around 7 months we started putting Hannah to sleep awake in her crib every night. I worked a few nights a week, so it just worked well to do that for her. She did great with it, easy transition, and although sometimes woke after that, for the most part she slept until I got home from work. Around 9 months, she only woke up once a night and when I would pull her in bed with me to nurse her, and try to fall back asleep, she wouldn’t sleep. She would think it was play time. It wasn’t until I figured out she wanted to sleep in her own bed, and I put her back in it, she would fall asleep promptly and sleep till morning. I was mostly thankful, but still really sad that she was not going to be the one who slept with us till she was 3. I was so ready for that. I know that sounds crazy to some of you, but Jason and I were both open to it, our darling girl, close by all night, sleeping peacefully.

Around 10 months the biting started. She wouldn’t bite when she was finished nursing as so many of the books I read said, she would bite in the beginning. Telling me she didn’t want to nurse. She would not latch. She would bite instead of nurse. I could only get her to nurse in the morning and usually once during the day, but at night before bed, no way. I tried to pump up my supply, I took the placenta pills I had made that I never took because I never felt like I needed them. I’m not sure if it upped my supply or not, but her nursing behavior didn’t change. She DID NOT want to nurse. The times when she did nurse, it was if she was “accepting it” but it never felt like she wanted or needed it. I was heart broken. Would she even nurse till her first birthday? The minimum recommendation of pediatricians…….. MINIMUM!!!

The self judgmental questions that I was SURE other people would ask came into my head: How could you nurse her less then a year? Your a doula and a childbirth educator for God’s sake. What happened? You just aren’t trying hard enough, it’s a stage, she’ll start wanting it again. IT’s because you chose to work, now she just likes the bottle better. It’s because your using birth control, you should have done NFP, and then you would have no risk or hormones being involved, (except the hormones of pregnancy which of course would have happened by then, Hannah was conceived after 5 months of NFP) We started giving her bottles when we were out sometimes because it would help fill her up and get her to sleep at a baseball game or something. I was, (still am) TERRIFIED of anyone seeing her with a bottle. Willow Sanders does not give her baby a bottle when she has plenty of good milk in her breasts. I did have plenty of good milk, Hannah just didn’t want it.

For over a month, the only time I could convince her to nurse was first thing in the morning after sleeping all night, or if she woke in the middle of the night which was rare. There were two days right before she was done for good that she nursed mid morning too!! But then, a few days before her birthday party, she started refusing even in the morning, and even in the middle of the night. She would flail and cry and push me away if I offered it to her. I knew she was done, and me pushing the issue was not helping either one of us, I needed to let it go. We had made it over a year and at least I had that. So on September 12th, 2014, was our last time. She nursed for maybe 30 seconds and then pulled off and pushed away. I cuddled with her and loved her and thanked her for a wonderful year of closeness. I promised her that we would find other ways to be close, and that I respected her, and knew that this was her choice, and she was fine, and I was going to be fine. And then I vowed not to think about it at all. Just to go as long as I could without thinking about it so I wouldn’t mourn. But that hasn’t been working. Every time she asks for a bottle, or pushes me away, or doesn’t want to cuddle I start to cry. I miss that closeness, I miss her needing me. It sounds so pathetic, but it’s true. So I wanted to write this out…… for me, and for you if you happen to read it. To explain why no, in fact, I’m not nursing her anymore. It was her choice, not mine, not mine at all. I still believe in extended nursing, although none of my kids did it.

This entry was posted in Family.

One thought on “Saying goodbye to nursing….

  1. Well said. You have such a honest soul and I’m really glad you wrote this for yourself but also let us see it too. Thank you. It’s beautiful how you respect and appreciate motherhood and your experiences.

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